This is the first summer that we are sending C5 to camp. A friend of hers has offered a great deal to join her at the dance camp that she enrolled in. We had to do it when we found out that many of her buddies would be at that camp, too. I am excited that she will see her friends for a whole week and get a chance to try out all sorts of styles of dance without making a commitment to any one in particular.

She ended up LOVING her first day, but drop off was a disaster. She clung to me and cried, begging me to stay with her. I asked the director to just take her from me since I knew she would be fine if I left the room. Of course, she stopped crying as soon as I was out of ear shot, and she did great the whole time. Tomorrow will go better because Papa is dropping her off. I’ll keep you posted on how the week is going!

I have my check-up tomorrow afternoon. This poses a few problems for me.

1. I desperately DO NOT want to step on that scale. I know that I need to lose weight. I know that I need to exercise. I just can’t seem to do everything that I need to do in any given day. The last thing I want is a reminder about those things.
2. I HATE going to the doctor. It is just embarrassing to sit on an examining table in a Johnny while answering personal questions from a person who I almost NEVER see. I don’t even share those things with my closest friends.
3. I am scrambling for child care as per usual. We really have to do something about our lack of back-up babysitting. Again, I just don’t have the time to do it.
4. My day will be rushed and crazy because I have to somehow get the kids off to two different locations and one of those places is yet to be determined. Then there is traffic and parking. It is a hassle for me.
5. Did I mention how much I dislike going to the doctor?

I know I need to go for a check-up, though. I haven’t had a physical for a few years now even though I have seen a whole host of other doctors for various reasons pretty consistently now for two years. It is necessary.

I am praying that I am basically healthy aside from being out of shape. I always panic before a doctor appointment because I am afraid of hearing that there is something terribly wrong with me.

Photo courtesy of Brittany G

Photo by Aemaeth

Fear.

We are bombarded by fear all of the time. It’s in the news. It’s in advertising. It’s part of being a mother. It has always been part of who I am.  Most of my life I struggled with fear, but fear was especially prevalent in my postpartum depression. It took hold of me and suffocated me.

Yesterday at Mom to Mom the speaker talked about fear. I was struck when she mentioned that our society perpetuates fear and makes parents feel like they have protect their children from everything as if parents have to be God. This describes exactly how I felt when I went through my postpartum depression. I knew that there were many dangers in the world, and I wanted to protect my baby from those dangers. My thoughts about the dangers played over and over in my head. I was hyper vigilant about hand washing and checking on the baby in the crib. I was consumed by the fear that if I was not that vigilant, something would surely happen to my baby.

The speaker read Scripture to reassure us parents, those afflicted with obsessive thoughts and those who are not.

The LORD is my light and salvation – whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

What a relief this is to me even now! There is no reason to be afraid; I have God! I do not have to protect my children from everything because I can’t possibly do that. My children belong to God, and He has a plan for each of them (Jeremiah 29:11). He will protect them because that is His job. Although parenting is a huge responsibility, I am not parenting alone. I have God!

I have to thank my Twitter friends for all of their support and prayers tonight. As you know if you’ve been following me, bedtime has been a nightmare around here lately. It started with the “big kid” bed switch. Then we went on vacation. Now we seem to have some fear at bedtime. It has been heart wrenching, and we are all feeling helpless. Even A2 has been trying to help C4 through this. They both fell asleep on the floor next to each other with all of their “lovies” strewn about. It is so sweet!

Tonight I asked the “Twitterverse” to pray for my little ones in the midst of the chaos. (God created us to be in relationship with others. It is amazing how He is using technology to facilitate that!) I am truly grateful for the prayers and advice that I got tonight when I reached out. God did answer those prayers as the kids settled down after over an hour of tantrums. Although they needed another hour to fall asleep, at least they were quietly resting.

I also asked my Twitter friends for some memory verses for a 4 year old who is afraid to go to sleep alone. Here is what I was sent: John 14:27, Philippians 4:6 (NLT), Psalm 119:105, & Isaiah 41:10. These are great verses! I am going to help C4 to memorize these verses. We will pray through them together. I will pray through them during my quiet time.

The fear is very real for C4 as is my anxiety about the whole thing. The tantrums are awful, and there is nothing rational about the situation. Our family is praying through this difficult time. I feel powerless, so I pray. I know that my God is ever present and cares about everything in my life. I know that He will use this as a way to teach our family more about Him. I look forward to seeing Him be BIG.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

We had one of those gut wrenching bedtimes tonight. C4 is suddenly terrified to sleep alone and wants the door open or someone to snuggle with. A2 gets out of bed to test the limits and won’t sleep if the door is open. They share a room. When one misbehaves, the other feeds off of the behavior. Disciplining one causes the other to fall apart. What is a mom to do?

On one hand my heart aches for my precious child. On the other hand I know that kids need to listen to their parents. When I am faced with this kind of situation, I cannot think clearly. Of course, my education and experience tell me one thing while my maternal instincts say yet another.

Education: “Give clear expectations. Explain the consequences clearly. Don’t back down!”

Instincts: “Snuggle and hug that child. Be encouraging and reassuring.”

Education: “Sleep will solve the problem.”

Instincts: “Sometimes you have to break the rules because your baby needs Mommy.”

Thankfully God steps in and helps us out. He leads the way if we let Him. We decided to pray. A2 started praying an incoherent prayer. (Thankfully God understands!) Then I got C4 started with asking God for help. “God, I feel sad and scared tonight. I keep having bad thoughts. I want to sleep because I am so tired, but I can’t fall asleep. Please help me to concentrate on good things. Amen.” What a beautiful prayer!

I must say that I wanted the answer to come sooner than it did. I was not able to keep it together and got angry. However, God helped us out. I had tried to settle everyone down on my own for about an hour and couldn’t do it anymore. My hubby had to take over. I have no idea what happened in that bedroom, but everyone went to sleep after Daddy left. Peace.

My lesson today is that I cannot parent my children alone. Daddy is my partner, and God is the boss! You win again, Lord! When will I learn this lesson?